In a move that has sent shockwaves through the sporting world, Golden State Warriors legend Stephen Curry has been sentenced to three years in “Professional Performance Detention” following a bizarre ruling by the newly formed International Basketball Bureau (IBB). The sentence, which stems from charges of “Chronic Rim Disrespect” and “Excessive Long-Distance Accuracy,” was handed down early Tuesday morning.
The prosecution argued that Curry’s career-long habit of “breaking the game of basketball” had reached a criminal level. Evidence presented included “Malicious Shooting,” with the IBB claiming his ability to hit shots from the logo invalidates the structural integrity of the three-point line. Furthermore, experts testified that Curry’s “gravity”—the way he pulls four defenders toward him at once—violates the standard laws of physics, causing significant emotional distress to opposing players.
Curry, dressed in a tailored suit and his signature Under Armour sneakers, remained calm as the verdict was read. His defense team argued that being “too good at his job” shouldn’t be a crime, but the jury—composed entirely of retired 1990s centers who “miss the era of hand-checking”—deliberated for only twelve minutes. One anonymous juror noted that nobody should be able to shoot from that distance because it simply isn’t natural.
The three-year term will not be served in a standard prison. Instead, Curry has been ordered to follow a “Mid-Range Mandate,” which forbids him from shooting any ball from beyond 15 feet. He must also complete 500 hours of community service teaching high school freshmen how to set a basic screen and must adhere to a “No-Shimmy” clause, which bans shoulder shaking after made baskets under threat of immediate technical fouls.
Head coach Steve Kerr expressed his disbelief outside the courthouse, stating that sentencing a man for being efficient is a new low for the league and promising an immediate appeal to the High Council of Naismith. While the news has devastated “Dub Nation,” rival fans have reportedly been seen celebrating in the streets, finally feeling safe to stand near the three-point line again.
